News Story First Draft Post Write

1. How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.

So far I feel the paper is coming along well. I feel like this is a newsworthy topic. It is something that is going on now and that is affection me locally. I tried to keep in non-biased and my opinions to myself. I looked up the topic and I used information that I found. “Since this is a zoning change, the article must be approved by a two-thirds majority. A positive vote would move the project ahead to site plan approval review, an open process at which neighbors would again have the opportunity to have restrictions placed on the project. Residents opposing it claim to have 300 negative votes, which would require supporters to have at least 601 votes.” I think this is a topic that people do care about and want to hear about.

2. What remains to be done? Please be precise.

I need to make my paper longer. It is only 233 words, and it is required to be 350 to 500.  I still need to interview people. I would like to interview someone who supports this and someone who opposes it. I would also like to find out some more information about Sysco.

3. What questions do you have for readers about the piece?

            Does my title fit? How can I make this more interesting for the reader and make people want to read it?

News Story First Draft

Yes or No, How Will You Vote?

Monday October 18, 2010 is a very important day in Lakeville, MA. Everyone is encouraged to attend the town meeting at Apponequet Regional High School to vote on whether the old Lakeville Hospital should be rezoned for Sysco Boston to build a $110 million food distribution center.  It is expected to be the biggest town meeting in Lakeville’s history.

This is a major decision that will affect the town for years to come.  Residents oppose the project because of traffic issues, noise issues, and environmental issues. They are concerned about the fact that the trucks will be going in and out of the facility at all hours of the day and night. To help with the noise issue, Sysco has offered to put up two sound barriers to help keep the noise down. Supporters of the project say it will bring more jobs to the area and that it will help entice other businesses to the area. Also, there would be much needed revenue coming into the town.

Since this is a zoning change, the article must be approved by a two-thirds majority. A positive vote would move the project ahead to site plan approval review, an open process at which neighbors would again have the opportunity to have restrictions placed on the project. Residents opposing it claim to have 300 negative votes, which would require supporters to have at least 601 votes.

Application Essay Second Post Write

1. How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.

I feel that the paper is coming along very well. I have tried to add more details to my paper to explain myself better. I added more about where I wanted to go to school and why, “Now that I am at Bristol Community College I am majoring in Elementary Education. After I finish my two years here I would like to continue on at Bridgewater State College so I can become an elementary school teacher. I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a little kid. I would play school with my brother, he would be the student and I would be the teacher. Everyone always comments how I would make such a wonderful teacher, that I have the patience to be able to teach and that I always want to help people.” I made my paper longer by adding these details. I tried to explain things clearly because the person who would be reading this essay does not know who I am, so I wanted to describe me the best way I could.

2. What remains to be done? Please be precise.

I think that I could add some more about my outside activities. I just added some stuff about my boyfriend and friends and about my work experience. There is some more stuff I could add about other things I do.

3. What questions do you have for readers about the piece?

Questions I have are: did I keep the tense the same throughout, and does everything make sense in the paper.

Application Essay Second Draft

Write a narrative about your life. This should include information about your accomplishments, family, education experience, and outside activities. Be creative rather than philosophic. Remember that you are writing for a reader who knows nothing about your background.

                                             - Boston University, graduate application

            My name is Ashley, I am twenty years old, about to be twenty one on October twenty ninth.  I currently live in Assonet, Massachusetts. I live with my family which includes my mom, dad, three brothers, and two sisters. There is a big age difference between us; we range from twenty-one to seven. Most of my mom’s family also lives in Assonet. My mom was also one of six, so I have a lot of aunts and uncles and cousins and we are all very close. My dads family lives all over the place, Syracuse, New York, Manchester, Maryland, and Enterprise, Alabama just to name a few. Every Christmas my dad’s side all comes together for the holiday at my grandpas in Syracuse. It’s really nice being able to get everyone together. And since my grandmother passed away three years ago, getting together means a lot more to everyone. I have a boyfriend, Nicholas, who I have been with for over two years. We are always doing stuff together and with our friends. We love to get together with my friends or his friends and go out to dinner or stay in and watch a movie, but no matter what it is we do always have fun.

            I have gone to public schools all the way from kindergarten to high school. The town I live in is not very big so everyone knows everyone. I always had classes with the same people so everyone was friends. I always did well in school. I got mostly A’s and B’s. History and math were and still are my favorite subjects. It is just something about them that has always just come easy to me. I made honor role a few times when I was in high school. Now that I am at Bristol Community College I am majoring in Elementary Education. After I finish my two years here I would like to continue on at Bridgewater State College so I can become an elementary school teacher. I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a little kid. I would play school with my brother, he would be the student and I would be the teacher. Everyone always comments how I would make such a wonderful teacher, that I have the patience to be able to teach and that I always want to help people.

I got my first job when I was 16 at Subway. I worked with my best friend and that made the job really fun. It was a very easy job and I really liked everyone I worked with. I worked there for two and half years and then I got a job at Papa Gino’s as a Shift Leader. I made a lot of really good friends here. I had the best boss I have ever had here. She cared about everyone and she treated everyone equally.  I worked there for a year, and now I work at Fall River Pawn Brokers in Fall River. This is a really fun job, I get to work with and meet a lot of very different people. My boyfriend also works there, but we work at different locations.

Essay of Application First Draft Post Write

1.  How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.

So far I feel my paper is coming along very well, I feel like I have addressed the topic very well and that I have been descriptive enough especially in my first paragraph. “My name is Ashley, I am twenty years old, about to be twenty one on October twenty ninth.  I currently live in Assonet, Massachusetts with my family, but I am moving to Fall River, Massachusetts with my boyfriend within the next two months.  I live with my family which includes my mom, dad, three brothers, and two sisters. Most of my mom’s family also lives in Assonet so we all spend a lot of time together. My dads family lives all over the place, Syracuse, New York, Manchester, Maryland, and Enterprise, Alabama just to name a few. Every Christmas my dad’s side all comes together for the holiday at my grandpas in Syracuse. I have a boyfriend, Nicholas, who I have been with for over two years. He also lives in Assonet just down the street from me.” I think that so far this paper is a good first draft.

2. What remains to be done? Please be precise.

I think I still need to add more, the paper is a little short. The paragraph about my work experience could be a little longer. “I got my first job when I was 16 at Subway. I worked with my best friend Kat and that made the job really fun. I worked there for two and half years and then I got a job at Papa Gino’s as a Shift Leader. I worked there for a year, and now I work At Fall River Pawn Brokers in Fall River. This is a really fun job, I get to work with and meet a lot of very different people.” I can add some more to this paragraph, and I can also add another paragraph to the paper to make it longer.

3. What questions do you have for readers about the piece?

The only questions I have is do my paragraphs seem descriptive enough and am I repeating myself? Also, I want my paper to stand out, but I also want it to make sense so how do I do that without getting lost and getting away from what it is supposed to be about.

Essay of Application First Draft

Write a narrative about your life. This should include information about your accomplishments, family, education experience, and outside activities. Be creative rather than philosophic. Remember that you are writing for a reader who knows nothing about your background.

                                             - Boston University, graduate application

            My name is Ashley, I am twenty years old, about to be twenty one on October twenty ninth.  I currently live in Assonet, Massachusetts with my family, but I am moving to Fall River, Massachusetts with my boyfriend within the next two months.  I live with my family which includes my mom, dad, three brothers, and two sisters. Most of my mom’s family also lives in Assonet so we all spend a lot of time together. My dads family lives all over the place, Syracuse, New York, Manchester, Maryland, and Enterprise, Alabama just to name a few. Every Christmas my dad’s side all comes together for the holiday at my grandpas in Syracuse. I have a boyfriend, Nicholas, who I have been with for over two years. He also lives in Assonet just down the street from me.

            I have gone to public school from kindergarten to high school. We are not a big town so everyone knew everyone and it was really fun having the same friends all the way through school. I did well in school. I got mostly A’s and B’s. History and math were always my favorite subjects. It is just something about them that has always just come easy to me. I made honor role a few times when I was in high school. Now that I am at Bristol Community College I am majoring in Elementary Education and I would like to become a first grade teacher.

I got my first job when I was 16 at Subway. I worked with my best friend Kat and that made the job really fun. I worked there for two and half years and then I got a job at Papa Gino’s as a Shift Leader. I worked there for a year, and now I work At Fall River Pawn Brokers in Fall River. This is a really fun job, I get to work with and meet a lot of very different people.